HELLO 2020
I use to think it’s cheesy to pick a word to focus on for the year... but the past few years a word has sporadically shown up and given me a mantra to calm myself in times of doubt, times of fear, and times where my mind and path can spin out of focus.
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I randomly picked this word while frantically shopping for a power cord yesterday in Dollar General. I saw it on a $2 2020 calendar and I was like POW that’s my word for this year. For many reasons:
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I want to BELIEVE that God has my back. My faith is often challenged and that is often followed by deep shame. A constant cycle of love, doubt, questions, anger, letting go, following intently, and not understanding a thing. This year I want to just let my heart BELIEVE and trust that God has a wild plan for my life and I don’t need to know all the answers (yet—- some day I will arrive at those pearly gates and God and I are going to have a lovely sit down)
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I want to BELIEVE that I have this profound desire to excel as a photographer because it is exactly what I am meant to do and no matter what challenges come up, I will be able to walk through flames to follow my dreams. Sometimes those flames are anxiety, sometimes they are depression, sometimes they are doubt and sometimes they are pure laziness. I want to BELIEVE that my will and varying levels of drive can overcome anything and have another successful year working with amazing people.
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I want to BELIEVE that anything is possible and that the non profit I started to pursue this year continues to grow and inspire and encourage others around me. I have never felt more called to do anything in my life. This project is the accumulation of everything I’ve ever wanted all into one. I want to BELIEVE that it will fulfill its purpose and I will be able to hold on for the ride.
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I want to BELIEVE that no task presented to me is unattainable. I started tackling the biggest project I’ve ever done last year with the desire to convert a school bus into a living space and mobile photo studio. Though I have encountered some speed bumps that look more like leaky roofs, dead batteries, and electrical malfunctions, those speed bumps are minor in comparison to the relationships I have built and the appreciation for letting people help me. I need to allow myself grace and accept that timelines and deadlines and goal dates don’t always go the way I want them. But I need to BELIEVE that good things come to those who wait... or at least I need to appreciate the journey and learn patience.
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I want to BELIEVE that true love still exists. I go through spurts of “I don’t need/want anyone” to “I just wish I had someone to share this life with.” Life is busy and it usually keeps me preoccupied, but I do get lonely. Even in a city of thousands and surrounded by friends and family, there is still a void that I cannot fill, and I have zero control over it. I will never focus solely on this and I will live my best life possible regardless if I’m single or taken by some strikingly handsome gentleman, but I want to BELIEVE that there is still someone out there that can love me for the exact woman that I am and wants to hop on this adventurous life with me. Because, let’s be honest... he’s currently missing out!
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I want to BELIEVE that I will get back into being the physically fit Badass that I emotionally ate and covered up this past year. I did a lot of work this year on my mental health and HAAS re-training of my brain. I still have a long way to go, but I will never give up. I let my body exert itself to the point of exhaustion and severe injury only to ultimately end up on a couch over sleeping, over eating, and under moving. I want to BELIEVE that I am now at a point that I have the will power to not dive into diet culture, but to live the way I feel the best and to live the way I know I am capable of. There is a beautiful beast inside of me and I BELIEVE she’s ready for a comeback.
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I want to BELIEVE that the next 365 days in this chapter of the Adventures of Annette McNamara are going to be filled with lots of laughter and fantastic thrills. That my bills will always be paid and that I will come out the other side of 2020 with the same childlike awe of life that I’m going into it with.
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I BELIEVE that 2020 is going to be a great year!